I hope this email doesn’t find you well

On getting rid of workplace niceties

I hope this email finds you well.

I hope you’re well.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Do you really?

I asked my colleague who works in admin to send a letter for me. This is his job, amongst other admin things. The email I sent to him read (some names have been replaced):

Dear Karen,

Please can you send the attached letter to John Smith at 69 Arsewipe Avenue and let me know once sent.

Many thanks,

Amelia

He typed back quickly:

Amelia,

A thank you would be nice once sent.

I am still in disbelief. To set the scene, I work mostly from home, my interactions with colleagues and contractors (I’m the client) are almost exclusively virtual. If we were sat next to each other and he’d verbally told me he’d done it I would, of course, say thanks. To add, the reason I asked him to let me know once sent is because sometimes, he doesn’t send them.

I responded:

Do you want your arse wiping with that too?

Not really. Instead, I pointed out the ‘many thanks’ I’d signed off with and told him his support is much appreciated, as always. I signed off:

Again, many thanks

@abiclarkecomedyJill and Tracey are good, you? #sketch #comedy #work #officelife #sketchcomedy #funny #ukcomedy #smalltalk #fyp

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How many thank you’s is enough for doing your PAID job? Thank you for saying thank you. Thanks, again. I, for one, hate a thank you email that reads only those two words. It clogs up my inbox which is already backlogged. I don’t need to be thanked because the thank you is my salary. When my salary isn’t thank you enough, that’s when I start looking for a new job. My emails are never sent without multiple pleases and always signed many thanks, kind regards, or, if it’s a particularly onerous ask, a many thanks indeed! But I’ve had bosses who don’t do a Hi, a please, a thanks. It seems the more senior you are the fewer words in your correspondence. I’ve never known if this is a power move or not. I don’t care, I’m still getting paid.

I also hate the I hope you’re well? Because no Karen, I am not well, I am burning with a deep rage and depression. We’re in a cost of living crisis, the planet is on fire, and people want a kiss on the forehead and a cake baked for doing their job. But, to pacify the masses, I will respond, I am well thanks, you? as though we’re all in an episode of Bridgerton or we are, actually, Archie Curzon. As a Project Manager, if I thanked everyone who did something I asked them to, I’d need to delegate to admin to do my thank you’s as well as letters.

I also know, although I’m sure some would argue (Andrew Tate supporters, gammons, etc), that he wouldn’t have sent that email to a male colleague. Women are held to a different level of ‘friendliness’. It’s the same reason we get told to smile, it might not happen (it has happened, it’s all happening), the reason we over apologise, the same reason we’re bossy not leaders, we’re cold not efficient.

In essence, we don’t want, and shouldn’t want, verbal thank you’s, or pizza, or gold stars, or yoga taster sessions. We want fair pay, flexible working, raises in line with inflation, full sick pay and a culture that encourages us to use it when we’re unwell, good pensions, equality in the work place. The other niceties can go. They mean absolutely fucking find you well all.